


Things I Never Told You

by BleedingInk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Past Abuse, Single Parents, past meg/lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BleedingInk/pseuds/BleedingInk
Summary: Meg reconects with her old friend Castiel and after he confesses he had feelings for her all those years ago, they quickly start a very casual relationship. However, when Meg wants to push for more, she finds out that there are reasons why Castiel is keeping her at arm's lenght.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel/Meg Masters
Comments: 7
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as abirthday present for my friend Angelika. I hope you enjoy it!

It was like the universe was playing some sort of cruel prank on her.

Meg did not want to be there to begin with. She didn’t want to take a four hour flight out of New York for that “writer’s retreat” in Colorado that was more like a networking party. She was like a fish out of water in that crowd, with all their talks about their next big magnus opus and the struggles of writers’ block or finding a quiet hour to write on when the kids had gone to sleep. She had no idea why she had to go there in the first place, except that her publishing’s house star writer and her personal friend (as she had introduced her to all the people who greeted them), Pamela Barnes, had requested her to specifically.

“Come on, Meg, you are the only one that’s going to be any fun to hang out with!” Pamela had whined. “Pretty please! The convention is going to be a bore, but then we’ll have some cocktails at the after party and then we’ll go into the town to have a _real_ party.”

Meg had believed and she shouldn’t have. Pamela had been right: the convention had been an all-around snore-fest, and the after party wasn’t any better. It didn’t help Pamela had ditched her as soon as she’d spotted a handsome guy and now she had her arms around the guy’s neck and was laughing far too loud, the way she did when she had had one too many drinks. So the private party she had promised her later, Meg guessed, was off the table and now she was trapped in that hotel party’s room eating far too many little sausages.

And to make matters worse, she’d just spotted her ex’s brother.

It was like a cruel joke. She remembered Castiel as this shy, introverted guy that had nonetheless actually made an effort to make her feel welcome among the Milton’s family, unlike his father or all the other siblings. Meg had appreciated it immensely. Not because she really cared what anyone thought of his relationship with Luc, but because when he was busy with something else, he could always hang out with Castiel. They had very similar tastes in books and movies, thinks Luc showed no interest for, and when they didn’t feel like talking, she could just sit in the same room as him and they would just silently… hang out.

She actually appreciated their friendship a lot and it was one of the things she was definitely sorry to let go of when everything fell apart. Well, she was sorry about a bunch of things, but never being able to talk to Cas again was up there.

She grabbed another cocktail and watched him from the other end of the room. He was engaged in a talk with a very tall guy, who Meg recognized as Sam Winchester, author of best-selling judicial thrillers. Sam seemed to be doing most of the talking, while Castiel listened and nodded every now and then, silently sipping from his glass. He really didn’t seem to be that into that conversation (Meg knew the way Cas’ eyes shone when he was really into something), but it seemed like would consider it impolite to cut the conversation short. Which was honestly a very, very Cas move.

He had changed. For the better, mostly. His face had lost some roundness and his cheeks seemed a bit sharper. There were crinkles around his eyes, but he still squinted them like he should be wearing glasses. He still hadn’t managed to tame his black hair, but it seemed like he wore it a bit shorter now to prevent it from seeming completely messy. He wore a suit that was maybe a little too big for him, making his shoulders look hunched, and a blue tie that matched his eyes.

Had he really been this handsome or had he got hot during the fifteen… sixteen years since the last time she saw him?

She finished her cocktail. She really shouldn’t talk to him. He represented a time in her life that had been like the Apocalypse for her then, but that she rarely think about now. She should just let sleeping dogs lie, right? Forget about it. Maybe tell it to Pamela after she reappeared again (she looked around, she had apparently gone somewhere more private with her handsome stranger) and they could laugh together. She didn’t even know what she could say to Castiel after all that time.

Then again… Luc had taken so much from her just for being a douchebag. It almost was unfair that he would take this from her too.

She placed the empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter and made a choice. She smoothed out a crease in the skirt of her dress, threw her head back and made her way towards Castiel. Not even taking a pause to check her hair and make-up. She already knew she looked fabulous.

Thanks to the angle she was approaching him from, he didn’t see her coming and Meg had a split second to make the choice to change her direction or interrupt whatever it was that Sam Winchester was telling him. She chose the latter. She had come all the way there, hadn’t see?

She tapped him on the shoulder. He startled and turned to her with a slight frown that she met with her widest green.

“Hi. Remember me, Clarence?”

His face immediately lit up when she used that old, stupid nickname for him.

“Meg?” he asked. “Oh, my God. I’m… I’m so happy to see you.”

She didn’t think he was just saying that, either. His smile was genuine and when he put an arm on her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug, it was like no time had passed at all. He was still that shy boy that would sit in his corner smiling softly at her and laughing at her jokes.

Meg wondered if a part of her was still the same reckless girl, handing her heart to a much older guy to play with.

“You’re blonde now,” Castiel pointed and Meg laughed. Of course, the last time he saw her she still used her natural brunette hair color.

“Have been for some time,” she clarified and twisted a lock of her hair in her fingers. “Do you like it?”

“It’s… very different, but yes, I definitely do. It suits you wonderfully.”

So maybe Castiel had changed after all. The 21-years-old guy she knew wouldn’t have been able to say that without choking, stuttering or blushing.

“Umh… you know each other?” Sam Winchester interjected.

“Yes, Meg is… an old friend,” Castiel explained.

“We go way back,” she added. “How long has it been, fifteen years?”

“Seventeen.”

Well, she was rounding it up, but if he wanted to be oddly specific…

Yes, that was another Cas’ thing. It was all coming back to her now.

“Wow, and you just… happen to meet here?” Sam said. He sounded surprised. “That’s amazing.”

“It is,” Castiel said. Meg just had to laugh awkwardly. She had also forgotten what it was like to be on the receiving end of one of his intense stares. How it made her feel like she was naked and also the only person in the room.

“You’re Sam Winchester, right?” Meg asked, not because she was really interested in talking to him. Castiel was always so considerate of other people’s feelings she knew he wouldn’t want her to be excluded. Why she wanted Castiel to think highly of her, well, that was something to analyze later on. “Meg Masters, Editor-In-Chief at Daeva.”

“Oh.” Sam’s posture immediately became a little more rigid and his smile a little wider as he shook her hand. “Oh, wait. You’re… _the_ Meg?”

“My reputation precedes me, it seems,” Meg said, laughing. It wouldn’t be the first time a writer had heard of her and immediately tried to kiss her ass. She’d developed a bit of a reputation and she was fully prepared for Sam to tell her he loved what she was doing at the publishing house and that they would be honor if she would consider this book they had been trying to publish for the last five years or…

“Cas is always talking about you!”

That threw her off a little. Cas lowered his eyes, a bit embarrassed.

“I mean… no, not always…”

“Sure you do!” Sam said, laughing. “Meg and I used to do this, I read that book along with Meg, my friend Meg and whatnot. I can’t believe I finally get to meet you.”

“Oh. I… I hope you’ve heard only good things,” Meg stammered. She was definitely not certain how to react. She hadn’t really thought about Cas in all that time.

Well, she might have, but she never talked about him or Luc with anyone if she could avoid it.

“Really good things,” Sam assured her. “Well, I think you two have a lot of catching up to do. I’m gonna go see if there are any more of those little sausages.”

Meg was half-certain she’d eaten the last one of them, but she didn’t stop Sam from walking away. She did want to catch with Castiel now. And learned why he kept talking so much about her after all those years that Sam immediately recognized her.

Castiel didn’t look like he was going to address that immediately. He gave her a shy smile and scratched the back of his neck.

“Umh… do you want to go outside?” he offered.

“Sure.”

Outside was a small patch of garden with bushes in shapes of different animals. Meg made a comment about the Overlook Hotel and Castiel laughed. She hooked her arm on him, not because she really needed him to keep her balance (she was tipsy, but far from being drunk) but because she really liked hanging unto him. His arm was far stronger and more muscular than she’d been expecting.

“So, Editor-In-Chief,” he pointed out.

“In my own little pet project,” Meg replied, smiling with pride. “Guess I made something of myself after all, huh?”

“You’ve done amazing for yourself. I have heard some good things about Daeva, but I didn’t know it was you who was behind it.”

“Well, I spent some years in obscurity,” Meg explained. “Learning the tricks of the trade from Fergus Crowley in the Infernal Throne.”

“I heard that’s not doing so well. He didn’t even come here tonight.”

“Imagine that. Guess I jumped ship just in time.”

She chuckled to herself and Castiel frowned at her in confusion, but she didn’t explain the joke. The night was too beautiful to go through unpleasant memories.

They found a granite bench under a tree, close enough to the hotel that they could still hear the rumor and music coming from the party, but isolated enough that they were hidden from the other guests’ curious glances.

“So, what about you?” Meg asked him. “What have you been up to? Are you the CEO of your own company by now or…?”

“I’m a writer,” Castiel said. “I’ve published a couple of books now, dealing with the history of the Christian evangelical movement in America, the psychological damages some of their teachings caused and what it’s like to deprogram yourself and become an atheist after growing in such an environment… I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to hear about it.”

Meg realized her mouth was hanging open and closed it. It wasn’t surprising she hadn’t heard about that. When she chose a book, normally she stayed in the fiction section, but even then, she was not expecting that to be the kind of content Castiel produced. The Castiel she remembered was also very much into all the trusting God and putting everything in his hands kind of way of living, because his father had taught him that was the right thing to do.

“What did dear old Chuck think about it?” Meg asked, remembering the stupid nickname the patriarch of the Milton clan insisted on using to seem kinder and more approachable.

“If he read it at all, I imagine he abhorred it and stroke me out of his will,” Castiel replied, with a little smile, like the thought of breaking up with his family made him happy. “I wouldn’t know. Haven’t really spoken to him in some years. I still keep contact with some of my siblings, but we don’t talk about him. For all intents and purposes, I have become the new prodigal son.”

“Huh,” Meg said. The question that sprung to mind tasted bitter on her tongue even as she asked it: “What about the other prodigal son?”

She shouldn’t have asked. Honestly, that guy could be dead for all she cared. It didn’t matter and she regretted it instantly. She was about to tell Castiel he didn’t need to answer it when he did anyway:

“Haven’t spoken to him much, either,” he said. “There’s not a lot of phones in jail.”

“He’s in prison?!” Meg asked, opening her eyes wide. “What did he do?”

“Embezzling, mostly, but also a lot of drugs,” Castiel explained. “He might be out in… maybe ten years or so, providing he doesn’t shiv someone or gets shived in the meantime.”

He said in a tone that indicated he wouldn’t be particularly sorry if that were to become the case. Meg couldn’t say she blamed him.

She had been in love with Luc “Lucifer” Milton blindly, foolishly, for the better part of her late teens. She’d met him online when she was sixteen and he’d slid into her private messages telling him how beautiful she was, how smart the comments she made were and how much he wished she was just a little bit older. Meg had tried to prove herself to be what he wanted her to be: smart, beautiful, old enough to handle everything they did together. He was ten years older than her, but that only proved in Meg’s mind that she was sexy enough to have older guys interested in her. He seemed so dangerous and so interested compared to boys her age, it’d never occurred to her there might be something wrong with dating him.

Her father didn’t see anything wrong with it either. Luc could charm anyone, even fathers who looked at his leather jacket, his tattoos and his bike with suspicion. So when Meg turned eighteen and announced she was moving in with him instead of going to college, her father didn’t put up much of a fight. And so she had become his little housewife, so starstruck that she didn’t notice how much he didn’t like it when she wore certain clothes, how he always seemed to have money despite spending a lot of time at home and how scared she was when he punched holes in the walls after some drinks.

Her only escape when she was feeling down about her relationship with Luc (oh, and there were a lot of those moments) was, ironically, his father’s house. Lucifer hated anything that had to do with religion (hence, why he’d chosen such a provocative street name), but he still tried to maintain a good relationship with Chuck, because sometimes they would be out of money or their landlord would kick them out unceremoniously and they needed a net to fall back on. In those occasions, Luc pretended to clean up his act, made Meg assist to the services with him and “returned to the flock” only to privately mock the old man when he fell for it every time.

Meg wondered how much did Chuck really believe him, and how much it was just him pretending to believe it because holding money and shelter over their heads was a way to keep Luc under control. It took her many years of therapy to come to the realization neither was a healthy person to be around, nor Luc with his superficial charm nor Chuck with his affable, chill pastor act. It was no wonder the rest of the Milton clan was just as dysfunctional as them.

Castiel, though… he was made of a different material. He didn’t believe God was this awful, vengeful, angry supernatural guy who would condemn anyone who didn’t follow his teachings to eternal fire. In his view, God was unconditional love, unconditional mercy and that’s how he tried to conduct himself, even when it was obvious both his older brother and his dad managed to get on his nerves more often than not. At least, that was how he justified reading the “forbidden books” he got from the library.

“Our father says that the secular world would make us lose our way,” Castiel had told Meg once. “But I believe that if we don’t know how to walk in the secular world, how to speak their language, we can’t guide others back to the light of Christ, right?”

“I wouldn’t know about that,” Meg had said, looking over a beat-up copy of _The Lord of the Rings_ that he’d provided her with. “I just really like having something to do around here.”

She wasn’t lying. Luc left her alone at his father’s house for long stretches of time and went to his own thing, whatever that was. Drugs, alcohol and other women, probably, though Meg wouldn’t even have suspected that back then. She tried to be a good homemaker and do the chores around the house, because they were crashing there rent free after all, and perhaps the only thing that Chuck and Luc were in agreement of was that cooking and cleaning was a natural woman’s job.

The only problem was that she hated it with all her heart. If Castiel hadn’t shared his books with her and made it a point to read with her and talk to her after coming back from work, she would have gone insane and burned the house down. He was closer to her in age and he hadn’t gone to college either, instead working a minimal wage job at a nearby Gas ‘N’ Sip to “support the family”. But it was obvious when he spoke about books, about what they meant to him and what he wanted to learn about them, that he had been not so subtly pressured into that choice.

“I mean, why don’t you apply?” Meg had asked him. “You’ve got the brains, that’s for sure.”

They were sitting on the porch of his home, on a warm summer afternoon. They were the only people in the house, a rare occasion where they could speak freely about everything and anything that was on their mind. Even things they would never dare to bring to anyone else.

“It’s not a matter of… I have to honor my father’s wishes,” Castiel had explained, though there was pain in his blue eyes as he spoke.

“And what about your wishes? Don’t you want to do more than what you’re doing right now?”

“What about you?” he’d shot back, probably because that was a difficult question he didn’t want to answer. “You’re sitting here all day waiting for Luc to come back. Don’t you get bored?”

“Why do you think I talk to you so much? You’re the only interesting person around.”

“Thank you, I suppose,” he’d said.

He’d looked a little sheepish, so Meg had laughed and place a hand on his arm.

“This is what I’m good for,” she’d stated. “Being there for him, making a home for him. I love him and when you love someone you want to make them happy, right? It’s the same with your dad.”

Castiel had gone quiet for a long time.

“I suppose you must be right,” he’d said in the end. “I just… I believe that relationships are a give and take. My father gave us shelter, he clothed us, fed us, educated us in the Lord’s ways. He gave us life. So if he asks to take some of the money I make or if he asks to take up my time by helping at the house, it’s only right that I give it to him, isn’t it?”

“I mean… I guess,” Meg had replied. There was something that didn’t quite click with that explanation of love, and it would take her years to put her finger on it, but even then she knew there was something wrong when Castiel added:

“So… what are you taking from Luc that requires you to give so much to him?”

She’d got upset, because a part of her, the tiniest part, suspected he was right. After months living together, the image she had of Luc was beginning to crumble ever so slowly, though she kept making excuses for him: he was angry because she was being a nag, he liked to drink to unwind, he had waited until she was of age to start anything serious with her. He couldn’t be blamed if the world didn’t understand their love for each other. She had thrown out these justifications over and over when the friends she’d slowly drifted apart from expressed their concerned. She had repeated them to herself like a mantra.

But she couldn’t tell them to Castiel. Perhaps because she’d known even then that he would see right through them. So instead, she’d crossed her arms and huffed at him.

“You think he’s an asshole, don’t you?”

“No, I…”

“You believed everything your dad told you about him,” Meg had continued. “That’s why you’re asking me that.”

“I do hold my father’s opinion on very high regards, but there are things I can trust my own criteria for. Luc’s behavior is one of them.”

“You don’t know him,” Meg had replied, standing up to leave. “You don’t know what he’s like with me. You have no right to judge him.”

“Meg…” he’d called out, but she didn’t want to hear it anymore. She’d slammed the door behind her to end the conversation.

Later on, they’d made up and Castiel never brought up her relationship with his brother again. He’d encouraged her to get a job, to apply for college (which Lucifer hadn’t liked), but he never apologized for what he’d said. He didn’t have to and Meg realized she had a unique chance to tell him what she should have said back then:

“You were right. About Luc, about me. About everything.”

“Meg, there’s no need to revisit all of that…”

“I mean, it’s kind of inevitable, isn’t it?” she asked, chuckling. “I was young and I was stupid, but most of what happened was on him. It took me a long time to undo the damage he did to me.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that,” Castiel said and he sounded so sincere it was almost painful. “You were also right about many things, particularly regarding my father. In the end, he and Luc turned out to be more alike than anyone could have imagined.”

Meg leaned closer to him. She liked how strong and warm his body felt through the fabric of his suit. Maybe she was a little drunker than she’d thought.

“Do you think if we have stuck together, we could have helped each other get out of there faster?”

“I think there’s no point to think about what could have been,” Castiel said, with his usual philosophical approach. “We’re both better off now and that’s what matters.”

“I suppose,” she agreed.

The night wasn’t cold, but she shivered a little anyway. Immediately, Castiel took off his suit’s jacket and placed it over her shoulders, the warmth of his body seeping unto her skin. She sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder. It was comfortable and she didn’t see a reason not to. She closed her eyes.

“This is really nice,” she muttered.

“It is.” Castiel made a pause and then chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. I’m just thinking Luc would hate it if he could see us now.”

“He never did like us being friends, huh?” Meg remembered and she had to laugh as well.

“I suspect he knew I had a massive crush on you.”

Her eyes shot open. She moved away from Castiel in surprise and studied his face. In the faint light, it was impossible to tell, but she had the impression that he was blushing.

“You did?” she asked. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were my brother’s girlfriend,” Castiel said, pulling from his collar, nervous. “And then… so many things happened and you said you needed space from me too. So I figured I’d give it to you.”

“Well, I’ve got seventeen years’ worth of space,” she pointed out. He had his hands balled over his knees, so she stretched hers and grabbed it. They were so close now she could smell his cologne, see the stubble on his cheek. “So what do we do now?”

Castiel’s gaze was so smoldering Meg was barely able to hold it. His other hand came to rest on the nape of her neck and he leaned forwards but he stopped short, like all the doubts and concerns that had hold him back then were still there, like cobwebs in the corners of his mind.

Meg figured it was about time she cleaned them up.

His lips were firm against hers, a little too firm at first. But then he sighed and leaned forwards into the kiss, almost melting into her and Meg wondered why the hell they hadn’t done this before. It felt so good, it felt so _natural_. But it was exciting and new at the same time and Meg didn’t want to stop.

They broke away, Castiel breathing heavily and Meg’s heart almost jumping out of her chest.

There was really only one thing she could say at that point.

“My room or yours?”


	2. Chapter 2

Meg woke up happily sore. The muscles of her legs felt heavy, like she’d run a marathon or gone wall-climbing, but really, the only thing she’d done was wrapped them around Castiel’s waist to keep him exactly where she wanted him. She knew there would be bruises on her ass and hickies on her neck and damn, she felt happy, and comfortably warm on the hotel’s sheets.

She rolled over, only to find the other side of the bed disappointingly empty. Consciousness returned to her and with it, all the reasons that maybe jumping into bed with her ex’s brother wasn’t the brightest idea. Her relationship with Lucifer had been a chapter she had kept close for a long time. Yes, she knew Castiel wasn’t him and by what he had told her, Luc wasn’t even around to begin with, but still…

Welp, this was a topic to talk about with her therapist, for sure.

Castiel’s voice was coming from somewhere. She could hardly make up some words, but she forced herself to finish waking up and pay attention in case he was talking to her.

He wasn’t. He stood in the bathroom in only his underwear, with the phone next to his ear.

“Yes, I miss you too. I will be home by seven, if everything goes right. Take care. I love you.”

Meg’s stomach froze

Castiel finished the call and she quickly settled back into the pillows and pretended to go to sleep. A second later, the mattress sank next to her and a pair of lips left a kiss on her shoulder.

“Good morning,”

Meg just hummed, but didn’t turn around. She needed a moment to collect her thoughts enough that he couldn’t read them in her face.

“Good morning,” she said, sitting up and stretching her hands above her head.

She knew his eyes were falling on her breasts, but she stood up and headed for the closet before he could get any… ideas. Not that she would’ve minded her ideas last night, but something about the tone of his bathroom conversation had unbalanced her.

How could she ask a guy she’d just slept with if they were cheating? How could she ask _Castiel_ that?

She must have misheard. He would never do that. But just in case…

“Do you want to order room service?” he asked. “I have a few hours to kill before my flight…”

Meg finishing clasping her bra and found a shirt and some jeans that weren’t that creased inside of her bag. She felt much better now that she was dressed, a little stronger. Like she’d put up the shields the alcohol and the happiness of seeing him again had got her to lower the night before.

“Listen, don’t take this the wrong way,” she said, turning to him and leaning back against the closet’s door. “Last night… we had a good time.”

“It was an amazing time,” he agreed, with a smile.

“But I don’t think we should make it out to be more than just that.”

The hardest part of saying those words out loud was seeing Castiel’s smile simply wither and die. Meg might as well have gone out on the street and kicked the first puppy she encountered, because now she felt like a fucking villain.

“Oh,” was all that he said. He didn’t even try to hide his disappointment. He looked away. “Oh.”

“I get it. You and I have history, and there were a lot of things left unsaid between us, but maybe this wasn’t… it wasn’t the greatest idea, you know?” she said, scratching her ear.

“No, I understand, of course,” he replied. “Seeing you again brought up a lot of memories of who I used to be. Not all of them were pleasant. I imagine it must be the same for you.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Meg said.

Castiel stood up and found his slacks exactly where they had discarded them the night before. He calmly put them on before locating his shirt, carelessly abandoned halfway through the door along with his jacket and his tie. And Meg’s panties. He didn’t comment on that.

“I do have to say, though, that I don’t regret it,” he added. He turned towards her and his eyes were smoldering again. Dammit, why was he making it so hard? “Do you?”

It could have been so easy to say that she did. That it had been a terrible idea, or that this was a twisted way to get back at Luc for everything he’d done to her. To push him away, to hurt him and never had to think about it again.

But she owed him the truth. If only because he had been the one thing keeping her afloat as her relationship with Luc deteriorated, the only person that had made her feel like she was worth more than what Luc said, the only one that had encouraged her to get out. She was thankful for that. And she was very, very thankful for the night before, whatever else it might have meant for him.

“No,” she said and offered him a smile. “I don’t.”

That seemed to give him some sort of peace of mind. He put on his shoes and walked up to her.

“Then I guess we can part friends,” he said. He leaned over to leave a small peck on the side of her lips and though Meg felt like her skin was burning from it, she remained as immobile as she could. “Goodbye, Meg. It was really good to see you.”

“Yeah. Right back at you.”

He didn’t look back as he headed for the door and Meg was happy about that. Her head was still a hurricane of doubts and emotions, but at least now she could sort them out in private.

* * *

The drinking and sleeping from the night before was watching up with her. It had been no night out with Pamela, who was now peacefully slumbering at her side on the airport waiting area, but it had been fun. It had been more than fun.

The images of her in Castiel’s arms, of the way his finger had taken her apart, how his mouth had found her most sensitive spots without almost any prompting from her, it was all…

She shifted awkwardly in her seat, but Pamela didn’t wake up. She had her chin down on her chest and her shades on, and Meg knew for a fact her eyes were closed behind them.

“Girl, I cannot tell you!” she’d said when they met up for breakfast. “You could bounce a nickel of that guy’s ass. Not to mention how big and thick his…”

“Alright, I get the idea,” Meg had replied, rolling her eyes.

“Anyway, sorry I ditched you,” Pamela had added with a yawn as they dragged their suitcases down to the hotel lobby. “I hope you didn’t get too bored without me.”

“No, I… I found something to entertain myself.”

She probably should’ve quickly lied that she had meant she’d found a good porn movie and had fun with her vibrator, but Pamela had spotted the hickie on the side of her neck. She’d brushed her head aside to take a better look at it and laughed when Meg had tried to move away from her.

“Oh, my God!” she’d shouted, so loud that all the other people in the lobby had turned to stare at them. “Tell me all about it!”

“Lower your voice!” Meg had said through gritted teeth. “I’ll tell you on the plane, okay?”

“You fucking better.”

Meg hoped that by the time that they were on the plane, she could have come up with a story about the handsome stranger she’d met and invited into her room, but there was a reason she was an editor and not a writer. Luckily for her, Pamela’s caffeine crash started in the taxi and by the time they had gone through with their checking and were waiting around on the gate, her friend was a walking, half-asleep zombie.

“Wake me up when we board,” had been the last thing she told Meg as she sank into her slumber.

So there was that. Meg was tempted to close her eyes as well (Cas had… great stamina) but she couldn’t count on Pamela actually waking up even if the plane itself was barreling towards her. She stood up to find the closest coffee shop, even though she already knew that it was going to be overpriced and fucking disgusting, but…

He couldn’t be there? Why was he there?

She closed her eyes tightly and then opened them again, but no, she wasn’t having a mental breakdown.

Castiel was really there, standing next to his carry-on and absentmindedly texting on his phone. Of all the airports in all of the world…

She turned away and joined the queue to get coffee. With any luck, he wouldn’t see her. With better luck, he might see her but feel too embarrassed to come say hi. She was not planning on seeing him again, not so soon. She had no idea what the hell she was supposed to tell him, holy fuck, were her hands sweating?

“Would you like anything else with that?” the cashier asked. Her nonchalant and almost bored tone was like a bucket of cold ice over the emotional turmoil that Meg was going through.

“Just the coffee. Thanks.”

She didn’t look in Castiel’s direction again. Maybe he would take another flight. What were the odds that they had met in an entirely different city, in an entirely different plane? His flight was probably a different one to theirs and she was being incredibly ridiculous about the whole thing.

He was standing near their gate. Goddammit.

And Pamela was awake and eyeing him over the edge of her shades.

What had her life come to?

In the time it took her to stop and wait to see if maybe the earth would open up and swallow her, Pamela decided to make her move. She stood up, pulled her shirt down so it would show a little more cleavage and walked up to Castiel. He was still looking at his cellphone, so he startled when Pamela began talking to him.

And Meg felt something in the pit of her stomach again. It wasn’t annoyance, not exactly.

She knew how Pamela was. She wrote romantic and erotic novels and she insisted that hitting on every handsome man she laid eyes upon counted as “research” and “inspiration.” Yes, sometimes, like last night, her pursuits left Meg in an uncomfortable position, but one of the reasons that they had become fast friends beyond their work was because they had shared a philosophy when it came to men: they could be fun, they could amazing, but they were, in the end, an entertainment at best and an inconvenient distraction at worst.

She wasn’t angry at Pamela for doing what she did, far from it. What bothered Meg is that she was doing it to Cas. He had no obligations towards her, she had been the one to suggest they shouldn’t see each other again or take their encounter as anything seriously. She had absolutely no right to feel jealous or annoyed in any capacity.

She was still willing to fight Pamela like a dog whose bone had been snatched.

“Well, hello, there,” she said. “We keep running into each other.”

“Meg!”

Castiel looked almost relieved to see her. He stepped towards her and put a hand around her shoulder, pulling her in for a quick hug. Like this wasn’t the second time in almost twenty years they’d found each other. Like they were friends. Like it wasn’t weird that his touch burned on Meg’s skin.

She was a mess and she hoped neither of them would notice it when Cas let go of her.

“You know each other?” Pamela asked.

“Cas is an old friend,” Meg explained. “I hadn’t seen him in a while, but we, uh… reconnected, last night at the convention.”

She immediately wished she had chosen a different turn of phrase. Pamela eyed her hickie and then her face, her mouth opening wide as the realization dawned on her.

“Oh,” she said, crooking an eyebrow. “Oh, I see.”

“Yes, I was very glad to see Meg again,” Castiel commented, completely oblivious to the conclusions Pamela was drawing. “Even if it was for a brief time.”

“I bet you were!”

Meg couldn’t come up for anything else to say to get her out of this horrible conversation, but luckily for her, she didn’t have to. The flight to New York was announced and Meg had never been happier of having to board a goddamn plane.

“That’s ours,” she said.

“It’s mine too,” Castiel clarified, looking at his shoes, almost like he was asking for Meg’s forgiveness.

“Really? You… you didn’t mention that you lived in New York,” she said.

“I live in Jericho,” Castiel explained. “And… well, you didn’t ask.”

“This is all very fascinating!” Pamela intervened, grabbing each of them by the arm. “But we should get going, no? I don’t want to get trapped next to a mom with a crying kid!”

“Why don’t you two go ahead?” Castiel offered and waved his cellphone a little awkwardly. “I still have some texts I need to answer.”

“Alright, see you at landing, then!” Pamela said. She lassoed her arm on Meg and pulled her towards the gate, almost eagerly.

At least she had the decency to keep her curiosity and her questions until they were sat down with their seatbelts on.

“You didn’t tell me he was that handsome!”

“Christ, lower your voice,” Meg said, rubbing her eyes. “Okay, listen, yeah, he was handsome and it was a really good time, but it was also… weird.”

“Honey, those are the best times,” Pamela said, smiling at her. “Weird how, exactly?”

“I don’t know. He started talking about he had a crush on me back then and how he never stopped thinking about me and it was all mushy and sentimental and I was a little drunk…”

“Because God knows you don’t do mushy and sentimental sober,” Pamela laughed.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t all…”

The plane took off while she told her about the conversation she’d overheard him having in the bathroom. Pamela shook his head.

“He doesn’t look like the type to cheat.”

“Do cheaters ever look like they cheat?”

“He didn’t have the mark,” Pamela explained. “Married men who go out of town for a retreat or a convention looking to have some fun take off their wedding bands, but it always leaves a little tan mark on their finger. He didn’t have that.”

“Okay, Sherlock, not to disparage your amazing deductions, but that doesn’t mean anything,” Meg argued. “He could still have a girlfriend or a fiancé.”

“You’re right, you’re right. You know what’s a great way to find out, though?” Pamela whipped out her cellphone.

“We’re not going to pay for plane wi-fi just to cyberstalk him!”

“Ugh, fine,” Pamela said, rolling her eyes. “The second best way is to ask him point blank, though.”

“He could still lie to my face.”

“Well, you know him. You could tell if he is lying, right?”

Meg leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling, mentally counting to ten not to blow up on Pamela.

“He used to be such a bad liar. Like, he was convinced God would send lightning to strike him down if he ever told a lie.”

“There you go…”

“But a lot could change in seventeen years,” Meg added. “Truth is, I don’t know this guy. And he doesn’t know me. Maybe last night was a farewell for old Cas and old Meg and that was all it should be.”

“That is so unromantic.”

“Sorry my life isn’t like one of your novels,” Meg said and fished her book from her purse. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to ignore you for the next four hours.”

“Fine by me!” Pamela replied, as she turned on the screen in front of her.

Meg wasn’t sure how long afterwards it was when Pamela stood up and announced she was going to the bathroom. Meg just groaned, not really paying attention. The detective in her novel had just found out some really incriminating information about the victim’s boyfriend, so things were starting to get interesting.

So interesting, in fact, that when she felt someone sitting right next to her, she just assumed it was Pamela and didn’t even look up.

Until that person cleared their throat and they definitely didn’t sound like Pamela.

Castiel was sitting right next to her, staring at her with those big blue eyes that made her stomach do backflips.

“What are you…?”

“Did you really think I would cheat on my non-existent wife?”

He sounded almost amused, like he was holding back a laugh. Meg closed her eyes.

“I’m going to kill Pamela.”

“Very well. For the record, I also don’t have a girlfriend or a fiancée. Or a boyfriend.”

“I’m going to strangle her. I have the keys to her apartment. I can make it look like suicide.”

Castiel chuckled.

“To be honest with you, I don’t understand why you would tell her that. Just saying you didn’t want to see me again should be enough for her to understand you don’t want to see me again.”

“That’s not how Pamela’s brain works,” Meg explained. “In her mind, both these encounters were fated and we should already be getting married and living our happily ever after best lives. She gets to be the maid of honor and make an embarrassing toast at the reception.”

“Ah. Well, in that case, I hope you chose a hideous and uncomfortable dress for her to wear.”

“I went full on bridezilla and demanded all the guests match with our color scheme. We hired a bouncer to kick out anyone who didn’t get with the program.”

“That’s fine with me, as long as we have a vegan menu. I am very interested in our wedding being animal cruelty free. Of course, that means banning all silk, wool and leather products.””

“Who wears leather to a wedding, anyway?”

“You haven’t met my friend Dean,” Castiel said. “He wore a leather jacket to his father’s funeral.”

The idea was so ridiculous that Meg couldn’t help but to laugh. She felt a lot less tense than she had… well, since she’d spotted Castiel at the airport.

And he was smiling too, that soft, comforting smile that made her think of warm and protective things.

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “I will admit, I got a little bit freaked out. I overheard you talking to someone and I jumped to conclusions.”

“That is perfectly understandable. I imagine the way your relationship with Luc ended must have been at the forefront on your mind.”

“That’s another thing,” Meg said. Since they were being honest with each other, she might as well tell him everything. “I don’t like having the constant reminder than I once was a stupid little girl who got involved with an asshole who mistreated her and cheated on her.”

Castiel raised his eyebrows, surprised by her harsh tone.

“I think you’re being a bit too hard on young Meg,” he pointed out. “She didn’t know any better.”

“No, but I do,” she replied. “And I know that it’s not great for me to revisit all of that.”

She also had learned a few other harsh lessons. That it wasn’t a great idea to uproot her entire life for a guy. The people weren’t always what they seemed. That it was best to keep them at arm’s length until they had proven themselves to be trustworthy. Her therapist said she needed to be a bit more trusting, but Meg was always careful around people. She wasn’t even sure now how Castiel had managed to just get past all of her defenses the night before and maybe that was also part of why she was desperate to push him a way now.

But also… maybe she didn’t really want to push him away. Because he was handsome and kind and unlike so many others, he knew exactly what she had been through. It was weird and several thousand feet in the air in a flying tin she couldn’t escape for at least two more hours wasn’t the place to think about it. She would end up getting restless.

Castiel, luckily, understood.

“I don’t want to be a reminder of ugly things,” he said. “I want to remind you of the same thing you remind me.”

“Which is?”

“The shiny, beautiful moments in a very dark time of my life. I didn’t have a lot of those while I was under my father’s thumb, but you… you were definitely in most of them.”

Meg stared at him, speechless.

“Damn,” she muttered in the end, looking away.

“I hoped I was a friend to you in those moments. And I hoped you remembered me as fondly as I did you,” he kept saying. “If that is not the case, I understand, but…”

“You need to shut up.”

“Did I say something inappropriate?” he asked, frowning.

“No, but you’re making me feel horribly guilty right now.”

“I’m sorry. That was really not my intention.”

Meg wanted to tell him to shut up again, but it wasn’t necessary. Castiel remained quiet while she stared at the ceiling and tried to get her thoughts in order.

“What do you think we should do now?” she asked in the end. “What were you going to ask me to do when we woke up this morning, before I shut you out?”

Castiel thought about it, perhaps because he hadn’t really had a plan or perhaps now that plan didn’t seem feasible.

“I was going to ask you where you lived,” he said. “Find out if there was any chance we could see each other regularly or, if not, to at least keep in contact. I was so happy to have you back in my life, it didn’t even cross my mind you wouldn’t feel the same way.”

“It’s not that I wasn’t happy to see you, it’s just… there’s a lot of mixed feelings here that I might need to sort out through,” Meg explained. She hated that she was being so vague, she hated that she didn’t have the words to explain to him everything that was going on through her mind. Hell, she wasn’t even sure what was going on through it.

“Of course,” Castiel said.

They made another pause while Meg breathed in and out, slowly, figuring out what to say to him.

“But we could… exchange numbers. Call each other up, meet up for dinner or something if you’re ever in the city,” she said. Damn, when had it become so hard to invite a guy out?

Of course, Castiel wasn’t just “a guy”. And the way her heart fluttered when his face lit up with hope should have told her that right away.

She decided to ignore it because it was simply too complicated to deal with right now.

“I would really like that.”

“Let me be clear, I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now,” she stated. “I’m what you would call married to my job. That’s going to take priority every time.”

“I understand this. I wouldn’t want to pressure you into anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Good. And I don’t want you to think that I’m… clinging to you after a one-stand or something,” she pointed out.

“I think you are in no danger whatsoever of me thinking that.”

Meg narrowed her eyes at him.

“Are you getting cute with me, Clarence?”

“I’m trying, but I think we both know I am hopelessly outmatched in that regard.”

It took her a few seconds to realize her mouth was hanging open.

“Damn,” she said in the end. “When did you learn to be so smooth?”

“I’ve also learned some things I meant to show to you last night, but couldn’t,” he shot back. “I’m very glad I’ll have the chance to do that after all.”

Meg was very glad she was sitting down. Otherwise Castiel might have noticed the weird effect those words and his very intense gaze had on her knees.

“Alright, I’m already sold. You don’t have to keep trying to convince me.”

He chuckled again and Meg almost wanted to tell him off for being so smug. But she couldn’t, because she was smiling too despite herself.


	3. Chapter 3

It started out so slow she barely noticed it when it became a routine.

Castiel would send a text around the morning, with a picture of flowers or a pretty bird he’d seen that morning during his run. He would comment on a book he was reading or send him funny news he’d found somewhere. Meg would respond with her opinion on whatever he had shared and they would text on and off during the day. Just small talk. Commenting about how their day was going, talking about nothing and everything.

She was reminded more than once of the summer afternoons, sitting on the steps of the front porch at his father’s house.

> _I think you were right_ , she wrote to him once. _I think what this is reminding of is those good times we had while we were both stuck in that horrible place_.

> _Did you ever imagine you would end up where you did?_

> _I didn’t imagine much of anything back then. It wasn’t until I was out that I started to dream._

Daeva was her dream. Back then, she had thought even getting her degree to start building it was an impossible goal.

Castiel had never doubted her.

“I think that’s amazing,” he’d told her when she’d announced she was taking some classes at the community college starting September. “That’s going to bring such opportunities for you.”

Luc knew this too, and that was precisely why he hadn’t liked it.

“Are you kidding me?! You’re already letting this place become a fucking pigsty! And now you’re telling me you’re going to spend even less time taking care of our home?!”

“Exactly, it’s our home!” Meg had shouted back. “You should pick up some of the slack too!”

“That is _your_ job!” he’d screamed before Meg could point out the place was always filthy because he was always inviting his biker friends and they would eat and drink and make a mess, so no matter how much Meg tried, the place could never remain clean for more than a couple of days. “My job is to go out there and bring the money so you can put some food on the table, which you never do! And who’s going to pay for those so-called classes, huh?”

Meg had been counting on asking him for money, but he realized right away that wasn’t going to fly.

“I’ll work,” she’d declared, ignoring the cruel laughter Lucifer had responded with. “I’ll take loans. I’ll figure it out.”

“Of course you will! And in a year, when you give up, I’m going to have to be the one to pay for the debt you put yourself into like the stupid whore you are!”

Meg couldn’t reply. He had insulted her before, he had told her she was a terrible homemaker, a terrible girlfriend if she just wouldn’t do what he wanted, an immature little girl who had no idea how hard it was for him to have her there sitting on her butt all day. But he had never been as blunt and as horrible to her as he was then.

She’d felt the tears swelling up in her eyes, and she had blinked to try and dry them before Lucifer noticed. She wasn’t fast enough.

“How could you say that?” Meg had asked, with her voice breaking down.

“Oh, and now you’re making me look like the bad guy!” he’d shouted, as he turned his heels and grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair.

“Where are you going?” Meg has asked, not really expecting an answer.

And she hadn’t got one, just a slammed door in his wake and a long, horrible afternoon where she’d sat on the couch and cried her eyes out. At the end of it, though, she’d made her choice. She was going to go ahead with college, no matter how much Luc disagreed. He would either end up seeing it had been a good thing for the two of them or he wouldn’t.

There was a moment there in which he could have beaten that decision out of her with a few good place putdowns, but then she’d discovered he was fooling around with some other girl behind her back. She had been furious, but at the end of the day, it had been for the best. That fury had given her the strength to finally leave him for good, to finally move on from his manipulative ass and do exactly what she’d wanted to do.

She’d slaved away in menial jobs, as a retail seller, as a maid, as a fast food cook, all while studying and obtaining pretty high marks. She’d saved every penny she could, lived in a one-bedroom apartment with paper thin walls next to a pair of new parents whose baby would never stop crying. For the next four years, she was lucky if she slept three hours in a row, but it didn’t matter. The other choice was backing down and backing down meant going back to Lucifer.

When she’d finally graduated and scored and internship at Hell’s Throne, she had no pride left, but her ambitions were intact. She did the humiliating tasks the other interns thought they were too good for and climbed the ranks until she became Fergus Crowley’s personal assistant. She’d spent years fetching his coffee, taking his dogs for their hairdressing appointments, reading the manuscripts he was supposed to approve and falsifying her boss’ signature, all while fending off his sleazy advances. She’d endured jokes about her boobs, about her ass, about how much weight she’d lost or put on with a smile while hating his guts and carefully scheming his demise. She’d become his right-hand woman, and everyone who wanted to get to Crowley knew they needed to go through her first. She’d amassed so many key contacts and built an iron network just because Crowley couldn’t be bothered to deal with people. That part had almost been too easy.

And then, she had pulled what most people in the industry would consider a “dick move”. She’d presented her two-week resignation and left the publishing house… taking several investors, editors and some of their star writers with her. The effect hadn’t been immediate, but Hell’s Throne had collapsed behind her and Daeva had risen in its place. In the industry, she was now known as a tone-cold bitch people just shouldn’t mess with.

“I’ve heard some not very flattering things about you, that’s true,” Castiel admitted when she brought up her career and the turns it’d taken during one of their phone calls. They had taken the use of calling each other once or twice a week, always at night, always after dinner. Meg would serve herself a glass of wine and just listen to his voice while they talked about nothing and everything. “A friend of a friend who knew Crowley says he still holds a grudge and that he doesn’t remember you fondly.”

“That makes me sad. After all the pens he asked to bend over to pick up for him?”

She expected an uncomfortable laugh and a rushed change of topic, the way she always got when she made that joke. Castiel, as usual, managed to be beyond all her expectations.

“Did he?” he asked. “I’m sorry if this is too personal, but did he… harass you?”

“Dude harassed everyone. That’s the reason it wasn’t so hard to convince most of the female staff to leave with me,” Meg said. She sipped from her glass. “Everyone knows you shouldn’t be alone in a room with Crowley for more than five minutes, less he’ll start asking you to show more cleavage or some shit like that.”

“Oh.” He made a small pause. “I actually _wasn’t_ aware of that.”

“That’s because you don’t have boobs, Clarence.”

He still didn’t laugh. He really knew how to make joking about her sexually inappropriate former boss difficult.

“Oh. Well, that is good to know. I will tell my agent that we need to take our business elsewhere.”

“Wait, you were going to publish something with him?” Meg asked, surprised at this revelation.

“They approached me about my new book, yes, but I don’t want to support a man who has such abhorrent behavior.”

Meg moved the wine glass in her hand.

“And what about a woman with abhorrent business practices?”

It was an excuse, she knew it. They both knew it. But it was an excuse as good as any for Castiel to come to the city along with his agent, Balthazar, who she’d known indirectly for years.

“It is wonderful to finally have the chance to work with you, darling.”

“You’re just a flatterer,” Meg said, after Balthazar kissed her knuckles and sat in front of her. “So, tell me about this new book.”

“Well, it’s… just another historical book about the story of abuse in cults and… probably not a lot of people will be interested…” Castiel started mumbling and for a second, Meg saw his old shyness, the one that had made him so tongue-tied and unable to stand for himself back in the day.

Luckily for him, Balthazar was there to talk him up.

“Oh, he’s selling himself short!” he said with a laughter that had just the right amount of nervousness to it.

“Does he do this a lot?” Meg asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Far too much for my liking,” Balthazar said. “Let me tell you about this book.”

It was a mixture of psychological research on how people got suck into destructive cults and some history for the most fascinating ones of them. A little bit morbid, but Meg couldn’t say she wasn’t interested.

“We’ve just launched our non-fiction branch and your book will be right at home with it,” she stated. “I’ll have my people call you with a copy of our standard contract.”

“And I will be more than happy to review it!” Balthazar said. He picked up his glass of wine. “To new endeavors!”

He elbowed Castiel in the ribs until he lifted his glass as well.

“To new endeavors!”

And so the business part of that business dinner was over pretty quickly. After dessert, Castiel mentioned he wanted to take a walk to better digest his food and Meg thought it was a great idea and she should come along. Balthazar apparently knew how to read a room, because outside the restaurant, he just kissed Castiel on both cheeks, reminded him to call him the next day and got inside his Uber, waving at them as it drove away.

“You really didn’t need to do that,” Castiel said as they started their walk down the street and headed for the park.

“I didn’t need to do anything,” Meg replied, shrugging. “I wanted to.”

Castiel remained silence, his hands inside the pockets of his tan trench coat. He wasn’t even looking at her and Meg was not willing to accept that. She stepped forwards and stood in front of him, stopping him from going any further.

“What bothers you?” she asked.

“I guess… don’t take this the wrong way, please.”

“I don’t know what there’s to take, so I can’t guarantee I’ll take it the wrong or the right way until you tell me,” she pointed out.

Castiel stared at the dark sky above them for a moment, like he was reflecting on this question.

“I… I really work hard on my books. Researching them, writing them, it’s an exhausting job. I have to be precise, but I also have to choose my language very carefully, because I don’t want to alienate the audience that might need to read them the most. I can manage to do that through careful rewrites. I often lament that I don’t have that eloquence when speaking.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Meg said.

That soft smile appeared on his lips again as he lowered his eyes at her.

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to publish my book if you don’t like it just because we are… friends.”

That was a very subtle way of putting it.

“Alright then. Let me give you two reasons I want your book in Daeva that have nothing to do with us,” she shot back. “One, I love screwing over Crowley. Really, it fuels me.”

Castiel chuckled and shook his head, so Meg had to grab him by the lapel and pulled him closer, so he would look at her in the face while she spoke.

“And second, you are damn good writer, Catiel Milton.”

“You… you really think so?” he asked, blushing again like a twelve years old girl when a boy just told her she was pretty.

“I picked up your books after our chat in the plane. I hate history and religion, but you have a way to make it really entertaining.”

“I… thank you,” he said. Meg grabbed his arm and pulled him to keep on walking while he spoke: “That’s what I was hoping for.”

“Why don’t you tell me all about it?” Meg asked. Castiel opened his mouth, but she placed a finger on his lips. “Not here, though. At my apartment.”

“Oh?” Castiel tilted his head. “Why do I have the feeling there won’t be much talking if I go there?”

He was right, of course. It took him all of five minutes after closing the door before deciding there were a thousand more fun things they could be doing with their mouths. And also that they were hideously overdressed.

Afterwards, Meg laid face down on her pillows, naked and satisfied. He really had learned a lot of things in the time they’ve been apart. And it was so peaceful to have him there, his strong presence in the bed, his soft breathing by her side. She leaned her head on her elbow and watched his profile for a while, the peace in his features and the soft smile in his lips.

She could really get used to this. Maybe a bit too easily.

The panic that through should’ve brought her didn’t have to settle before Castiel opened his eyes and looked around, a little confused.

“What time is it?”

“No idea, why?”

Instead of answering, Castiel searched around on the floor until he found his phone.

“Oh,” he said after checking the screen. “I should be going home.”

“Why?” Meg asked. She grabbed the sheet and wrapped herself around it to step out of the bed while Castiel started picking up his clothes from the floor. “I don’t mind you staying the night.”

“Thank you,” he said, as he put on his boxers. “But I really have to get going…”

Meg grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

“Really?” she purred, letting her hand wander down his back until he shivered.

Castiel looked down, his eyes darkening with desire, but either Meg was losing his touch or the man was far more resistant to temptation than she’d anticipated, because he cleared his throat awkwardly and stepped back.

“Yes. Really. I’m sorry.”

Meg was tempted to ask him why again. Did he have someone waiting for him at home? Had she done or said something for him to want to get away from her? But that would have been akin to resetting all the progress they’d made with their talks and she outright hated to come off as this… insecure. This _needy_.

If the man said he needed to go away instead of staying the night and going for round three and maybe four, well, then that was his loss. She had a perfectly good vibrator with new batteries in her nightstand’s drawer.

“Okay,” she said, with a shrug, hoping her disappointment wouldn’t show up.

“I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, maybe next time, right?”

Castiel stopped midway into buttoning up his shirt.

“Will there be a next time?”

The soft hope in his voice was not something Meg was expecting to find adorable, especially not after some of the filthy stuff he had whispered in her ear just moments before. He was almost too much for her to deal with and maybe it was for the best that he left after all.

“Why wouldn’t there be?”

“No reason, it’s just you seem…” He stopped for a second as he looked for the right word. “A little… pressed.”

“I’m not,” Meg lied. “You can leave whenever you want, I don’t care.”

“Are you… sure?”

“It’s fine, Cas. We know we’re going to see each other again.” She didn’t know why she sounded like she was trying to convince herself more so than him, but she sure hope he wouldn’t notice that. “I mean, you have to come back for us to talk about your book. Or you can come visit me for whatever reason. Or I can go visit you…”

“Maybe that’s not a great idea,” Castiel said. “My home is not… suitable for guests.”

“You live in Jericho, how bad can it be?” she asked, with a laugh.

Castiel just looked down for a second before grabbing fixing his shirt’s collar. It was obvious he wasn’t going to elaborate on it.

“Fine, you visit me, then,” Meg conceded in the end. “Point is, I had fun these last couple of times. Did you?”

“You know I did,” he replied, with a chuckle.

“Then we keep having fun,” Meg said, with a shrug. “We keep it casual, we keep it friendly. There's no need to complicate ourselves.”

“Yes, you mentioned before how you don’t want anything serious. And to be honest with you, after some thinking, I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want that either.”

“Cool,” Meg said. She sat down on the bed. She was not at all offended or worried that Castiel didn’t want anything serious. She didn’t have time for that. She didn’t care. “Then let’s not take this too seriously.”

Castiel picked up his tie. His jacket and coat had been abandoned in the living room. She could imagine him picking them up, putting them on and then leaving her apartment without even looking back at her. She wouldn’t mind. This wasn’t serious at all.

Then why did it break her heart a little when he came closer, put a hand on her cheek and leaned down to kiss her goodbye?

“It’s always great to see you, Meg.”

“Right back at you,” she said, ignoring her face felt like it was on fire and how her heart flustered.

He turned around and left the room. Meg didn’t even stand up to walk him to the door. When she heard it close in his wake, she let out a deep sigh and flopped down on the mattress again.

Yes, it was too easy to get used to him and she needed to keep her head over her shoulders. They could have their fun, they could be friends, they could do business together, but she couldn’t go thinking stupid things like how nice it would be to wake to the soft sound of his snoring in the morning or how would he like his breakfast. Those were the kind of things couple did and neither of them was interested in being a couple. That was all.

She stood up one last time to make sure all the lights were turned off and then got back under the sheets, forcing herself to close her eyes and drift off to sleep. Even if the sense of peace and calm she’d had before had abandoned her completely.


	4. Chapter 4

Overtime, they fell into a comfortable pattern. Castiel came to the city once or twice a week, usually to speak with Balthazar or with one of Meg’s editors. He called her up and they had dinner and drink together afterwards. Not in a date kind of way, of course not. Just a couple of friends enjoying each other’s company and the fine cuisine New York City had to offer.

There were some events now and then, book presentations or dinner parties at other editor’s houses, conventions and other stuff that Meg wouldn’t normally attend, but Castiel would call her up and tell her he was going, maybe they could meet up there? And why not? They didn’t go together, but having him there made those reunions a lot more tolerable.

Then they went to her apartment, they made love once, twice maybe. It was never boring. He was always so generous and so careful with her, but he didn’t mind getting a bit rough if she asked him to. That was the most impressive thing to Meg, that he just listened attentively to whatever she needed of him and would go the extra mile to satisfy her. He learned all her sweet spots in record time. And when she asked him what she could do for him, he simply smiled and said that he was just happy to be along for the ride.

He also seemed to have picked up on the fact it bothered that he left so suddenly that first night, so now he always made it a point to cuddle and talk to her for at least twenty minutes. They laughed and they joked and talked about how his book was progressing or the idiot editors Meg had to deal with at Daeva.

And then, inevitably, he always got up to leave. He never made an excuse, he never explained why, but he just wouldn’t stay past a certain hour.

Meg tried not to let her resentment show. She would make a joke about his wife or his mother waiting him for dinner, he would laugh and kissed her goodbye. And then Meg would spend the rest of the night in a bed that felt too cold and too empty, snuggling against his pillow to try and catch a whiff of his scent. It was pathetic.

She tried not let it bother her, but according to Pamela, she wasn’t managing as well as she could have.

“This is like, the fifth time I hear you complain about it,” she told her one day while they were having a brunch with mimosas. “Girl, if it bothers you so much, just take it up with him.”

Meg ran her finger through the edge of her glass.

“That’s just it,” she said. “It shouldn’t bother me. We’re… friends with benefits. We’re not dating. It doesn’t matter if he wants to stay or not.”

“It clearly matters to you,” Pamela pointed out, taking a sip.

Meg wanted to protest, but at that point, all she would get was Pamela calling her out for lying.

“I don’t know why,” she said, instead. “Cas is such an amazing guy and he’s been willing to go along with all my bullshit when other guys wouldn’t…”

“Are we sure he isn’t married?”

Meg couldn’t believe they were revisiting that damn point again.

“I’m sure.”

“One hundred percent?”

Well, that was a more complicated question to ask. Yes, Castiel didn’t wear a wedding band or received calls from some woman right before he left. Also, the more time Meg spent with him, the more convinced she was he wouldn’t lie about something like that, but she might have been biased on that front.

But sometimes, though, the doubt ate away at her. She had finally caved in and cyberstalked and… come up completely empty. He didn’t have much of a social media presence, except for a Twitter account that was clearly run by Balthazar or someone else from his agency, because it only spouted updates on his books and announcements of where Castiel would be making an appearance. And apparently, there wasn’t much of a fandom for religious history writers. Meg doubted Cas even had much recognition outside of very select circles, so she couldn’t even use the grapevine to find out a little more about the seventeen-years hiatus between them.

“I am… pretty sure,” Meg concluded.

“Pretty sure is still not one hundred percent,” Pamela said, grimacing. She finished her mimosa and leaned closer to her. “And you know what? This is not just going to go away.”

“Hopefully, it will. I need to get over myself,” Meg sighed. “He doesn’t want anything serious.”

“So what? You don’t either.”

Meg said nothing to that, too busy moving around the food in her plate to try and avoid Pamela’s gaze.

“Meg… you don’t want anything serious with this guy, do you?”

“No,” Meg muttered and she had to actually make an effort to look at Pamela in the eye as she did. Luckily, she bought it.

“So it shouldn’t be a serious deal when you kick him to the curb for doing something that annoys you.”

“Who’s being unromantic now?” Meg jabbed at her and Pamela laughed.

But she had managed to get to the crux of the problem.

Meg shouldn’t want anything serious. She had been the one to say that she didn’t care to have anything serious.

But she did.

Because Cas made her laugh. Because they were on the same wavelength so much of the time. Because he knew her, he knew the things she had done, what she had been through and where many other guys would’ve judged her, he never did. He didn’t mind respecting all her boundaries, but how would he react if she ever tried to push his? Would he get mad? Would he tell her, in that polite way of his, that this wasn’t going to work for them? Was it better to have him in her life this way than not at all again?

This wasn’t supposed to happen to her. She wasn’t supposed to be falling for him.

But she didn’t wake him up the next time they met up at her place and he fell asleep with his arms around her waist. She should have. She knew how agitated he got if he stayed past a certain hour, but she was so warm and so peaceful and so comfortable there… and he looked so pretty with his eyes close, his face on her pillow.

There was nothing wrong with this, was it? She could say she had fallen asleep too, that it had been an accident. She would point out how the world hadn’t fallen because he’d spent the night and how much more comfortable it was to sleep there with her and have breakfast with her and…

His cellphone rang, loud and jarring. Castiel jumped up on the bed and without even looking at Meg, he grabbed it from the nightstand, kicked the sheets away and moved out of the bedroom as he answered the call.

“Yes? Oh, yes. Hello. Yes, I’m sorry, I lost track of time…”

Meg went from being annoyed and disappointed to being absolutely furious. Why the hell was he answering that call right now? Who the hell was so important to him that he was willing to leave her just like that?

She followed him into the living room as he started the routine of picking his clothes from the floor as usual and dressing up hurriedly, with the phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder.

“… there should be some in the fridge. I’m on my way. No, I was just… talking to an old friend and I didn’t realize how late it was. I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be home soon.”

That irked her even more. Why was he lying? Well, yeah, they had technically been talking, but they also did a bunch of other things. Who was this person, who apparently lived with him and worried that he was out late, that he couldn’t tell them about Meg? Why couldn’t he tell Meg about this person?

By the time he ended the call and turned around, Meg was simply fuming. And it must have reflected in her face, because Castiel froze in his place and swallowed.

“Umh… I have to… I have to go.”

Meg pinned the sheet around her body a little closer and just glared at him.

“Sure. Before you do, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

“Yes?” Castiel said, wincing at the harsh tone in her voice.

“Is there something wrong with my bed? Is it too hard or too soft for you?”

“No, it’s… I can’t…”

“Then what the hell is the problem?” she asked, barely raising her voice an octave, a warning that she was very close to screaming. “What are you hiding from me, Castiel?”

She put special emphasis in his name, so he would know exactly just how furious she was.

“I… I mean, I don’t…” Castiel stuttered.

“Don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong,” Meg growled. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then what is it? Who was that on the phone right now?”

Castiel opened his mouth, closed it again, closed his eyes and stayed very still. Meg was about to ask him again, but she didn’t have to. Castiel took a deep breath and looked up at her.

“It was my son.”

Of all the things she was expecting him to say, that was not one of them. It was like he’d thrown a bucket of ice cold water over her anger.

“Your… son?”

“His name is Jack. He just turned sixteen,” Castiel kept on saying. “And you are right, I have been avoiding mentioning him to you. To be fair, I have also been avoiding mentioning you to him.” He made a pause. “That isn’t really much better, is it?”

Meg sat down on the couch. She was hearing the words coming out of his mouth, but her brain simply couldn’t… process them.

“You have a teenage son?” she repeated.

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t mention him before because…?”

“It’s complicated,” Castiel said. “Genetically speaking, he is actually my nephew. His mother died, her parents were too old to care for him and my family wouldn’t do it for him because he was born out of wedlock, so I had to… step up.”

That did a little more sense. She could imagine dear old Pastor Milton being super uptight about his bastard grandson.

“Okay, that makes a little more sense,” Meg said, though she was lying again. It didn’t make any sense, at all, no matter how much she tried to analyze it. Castiel? With a son? “Who’s… who’s his actual father? Michael?”

“Umh…” Castiel scratched the back of his head.

“Gabriel? Raphael?” Meg kept asking and Castiel kept not looking at her.

And then it dawned on her.

“Lucifer?!” she shouted. “He’s Lucifer’s son?!”

“That’s… why I was hesitant to mention him to you,” Castiel admitted.

Meg stood up, because there was a sudden nervous energy flowing through her and she just couldn’t stand still anymore. She paced around the living room, shaking her head as she tried to… absorb, rationalize. If the kid was sixteen, that meant…

“Who’s his mother?”

“Well…” Castiel started, narrowing his eyes.

“Cas? Who is _she_?” Meg demanded to know.

Castiel licked his lips and fidgeted with the phone in his hand for several seconds before he fessed up.

“Kelly.”

Kelly. Meg remembered seeing that name flashing on Lucifer’s phone and him blowing up at her when she dared to ask him who was she and why she kept calling him. He told her over and over that it was none of her business. He was still furious with her because she was going to go to college and the doubts and fears that he was going to leave her for it kept growing in the back of Meg’s mind.

She had found a job by then to try and start saving up money for the classes that started in September. Nothing fancy, just bagging the groceries at the local supermarket. Lucifer complained and complained that she kept showing up late and that his dinner wasn’t ready, even though Meg always left the dinner ready in the fridge and literally all he had to do was take it out and heat it up on the microwave.

They’d fought about it that morning and Meg had been shaky and worried all day, with a black cloud floating around her head. She’d made mistake after mistake during her workday and the manager had screamed at her. So she was already having a shitty day before she even went back home. She’d wanted to make peace with Lucifer, if only because she didn’t think she could handle another fight without breaking down completely, but she was sure it was just going to end in another fight.

But she hadn’t been prepared to walk into their apartment and see of pair of panties that definitely didn’t belong to her abandoned in the middle of the living room. She hadn’t been prepared to hear moaning and screaming (the fun kind of screaming) coming from the room, from the bed where she slept every night. And despite her brain already making the connections, despite the growing suspicion of what she was going to see when she opened the door, she hadn’t been ready to see Lucifer’s naked back, his hips thrusting forwards, as a pair of feminine hands that definitely weren’t hers scratching at his back.

She’d been paralyzed in the doorway. She knew she should be screaming in fury, she should be crying out from the betrayal, but none of those emotions rose up to her throat. And they didn’t stop, because they had been so busy going at it that hadn’t heard her coming in.

It went on and on, for what felt like hours, like one of those nightmares where she couldn’t outrun a monster. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the spectacle in front of her. She couldn’t shout to stop it.

Then the girl under Meg’s boyfriend had lifted her head to look over Lucifer’s shoulder. Her eyes had opened wide in surprise as she hastily pushed him away. He’d moved, a frown of confusion in his face before he’d looked up.

“You weren’t supposed to be home!” Luc had yelled.

Her memories of the incident were rather fuzzy from that point on. She was aware she had jumped towards them, that she had been trying to scratch Lucifer’s eyes out at one point or grabbed the girl, who she knew was Kelly, by the hair, she wasn’t sure. She’d screamed and shouted the worst kind of things at her while Kelly cried and tried to find all of her clothes to make a swift exit. Lucifer held her back, yelling at her she was crazy and she needed to calm the fuck down, but Meg hadn’t stopped struggling in his arms until after Kelly had escaped and she was left alone with him.

With this guy she had given three years of her life to. With this guy that did nothing but demean her and scream at her when she wasn’t what he wanted her to be. With this guy that had lied and betrayed her. It’d taken her sometime to realize that Luc had been a scumbag all along, but in that moment, sitting on the carpet and turning into a sobbing mess while he told over and over that this her fault, if she wouldn’t nagging him so much, if she didn’t fight him on the college thing, if she had been somehow better… she’d seen him clear as day for the first time.

And God, it’d hurt. Because despite it all, she had truly loved him.

“What are you doing?” he’d asked as she shoved her clothes in a duffle bag.

“What does it look like I’m doing?! I’m getting the fuck out!”

“Oh, come on!” Lucifer had shouted, rolling his eyes. “And where are you going to go, huh? Crying back to your daddy? To your stupid cunt of a boss? Hey!”

He’d grabbed her by the wrist and pulled from her so she had no option but to look at him in the eyes.

“You’re going to go to my dad’s place?!” he asked her. “To fucking ride Castiel’s dick some more?!”

“You’re insane! Let go of me!”

“You have no right to be mad at me!” Luc had argued, shaking her. “You’re nothing but a whore, you’ll never be anything but a whore!”

That had been when Meg punched him. She was a tiny nineteen years old girl and he was a grown man who regularly lifted, she obviously didn’t have the strength to do some real damage. But the surprise alone had been enough to let him to loosen his grip, just enough for her to slip out, grab her bag and run out of there, reaching the stairs in a mad rush for her life while he kept shouting at her from the top:

“Fine! Don’t come crawling back to me when you’re sucking dick for money on the street!”

Meg hadn’t come back. She slept on her car and only went to work, but after a few weeks she was let go and she’d needed to find somewhere else to work until she could save up enough for a place. There were moments where she thought she wouldn’t be able to make it, when money had been tight or when she’d gone days without eating a proper meal. When she had been tempted to pick up the phone and call Luc, call Castiel, call her father, anyone to come and rescue her from her horrible conditions.

But she hadn’t even told Castiel how bad it was when he did manage to get in touch with her.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to hear anything from him,” she’d told him.

“I’m not calling for him, Meg,” he’d clarified. “I’m calling because we’re friends and I want to make sure that you’re alright.”

Meg had been trying to find a position on the backseat of her car, on a dark spot where cops wouldn’t come knocking on her window at three in the morning to ask her to move, hungry because she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast and telling herself it was only a few weeks until September. But she told none of this to him.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m okay, Clarence, I just… I just need to hear from none of you for a while,” she’d told him. “Okay? I’ll call you, but please, leave me alone for now!”

There had been a long pause at the other end of the line.

“Very well,” he’d said, with resignation in his voice. “But you know you can call me if you ever need anything.”

Of course he would say that. Because that was the kind of selfless, wonderful man that he was. So the words that came out of Meg’s mouth seventeen years later, when he standing right in front of her, weren’t fair and she knew that she weren’t, but she said them out loud anyway:

“So what, you just run charity cases for all of your brother’s exes?”

That was the first time she saw him get even slightly mad.

“It wasn’t a charity case, Kelly was sick!” Castiel explained. “They found out about it when she was still pregnant and they told her she needed to terminate it and start treatment immediately for her to have even a chance at surviving. She chose not to and after Jack was born, it was too late for her. And neither Luc, nor her parents, nor my father, helped through all of it!”

Meg had to take a moment for the guilt to settle down before she spoke again.

“So, you just… decided to do it?”

“What choice did I have?” Castiel asked. He sighed and sat down on the armchair in front of her. He looked tired all of the sudden. “She came to see us after Jack was born, she told us her prognosis wasn’t good. She didn’t ask us to take care of Jack or give her money or anything. She just wanted our father to talk to Luc, to make him understand he needed to come back home and be a father. We didn’t even know they weren’t living together anymore and we had no idea how to contact Luc. He seemed to just have… walked out on everything.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Meg accepted.

“My dad just wanted her gone. He said some truly awful things about her and her baby. Kelly ran out in tears, so I ran after her and gave her my number. I told her she could contact me at any time, for whatever she needed. So when she was… literally dying, she called me and asked me to care for Jack. So I did.”

“And your dad didn’t like that,” Meg guessed. Castiel’s face became sadder.

“I realize now how controlling and judgmental he could be. Back then, I couldn’t believe the things he said about a small, helpless, soon to be orphaned baby, who was also his grandson. We had the most terrible fight. I ended up leaving and staying with Kelly and Jack. I literally had nowhere else to go.”

“You stayed with them?” Meg repeated. It was like Castiel insisted on just dropping all that information on her and revealing something even worse every single time. “And you… and her…?”

“No, I slept on the couch,” Castiel said and then winced. “Well, sleeping might be too generous. Jack was born premature so he had a lot of health issues and of course, I had to help Kelly through the nausea and the shivering and all the other awful things from the chemo. It was not exactly the most romantic setting and that was never my desire or my intention. I was just doing what I thought was right.”

Why the hell did Meg feel a twinge of jealousy for a sick woman who had been dead for ages? She really needed to get a hold of her emotions.

“And then?”

“She died. Jack wasn’t even a year old.”

“So you just… what, kept him?”

“Basically, yes,” Castiel said, with a shrug. “Someone had to. I took my dad’s name off our joint bank account and that was another whole other fight. It was stupid that I didn’t pursue his full legal custody immediately, but I was essentially broke and working three jobs to pay for the rent, the utilities, the formula and diapers. If I was feeling fancy, I bought a cup of ramen for myself. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night sweating because I’m afraid I forgot to pay our electricity bill or something.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Meg said, thinking back at her old days in her tiny apartment. God, and if she had had to take care of a child on top of that…

“Then when Jack was four, someone called from his daycare center telling me a stranger was there trying to take him away, claiming to be his dad. When I showed up, Luc made such a scene the cops had to be called. He had a copy of Jack’s birth certificate that had his name on it, and essentially there was nothing I could do. But as Luc put him away on his car, while Jack kicked and screamed because he wanted to go home, I realized… I had been thinking about this all as some sort of long-term babysitting. But Jack was my child and I needed to take measures to get him back, to protect him.”

“Why would Luc do that? He hated kids,” Meg pointed out and Castiel shrugged, signaling that he was just as confused about it as she was.

“I don’t think he considered Jack a kid. It was more like… a property. A jacket or a toaster that was his and I had taken without permission.”

“Yeah, okay, that makes more sense,” she admitted. “And then?”

“My friend Dean put me in contact with his brother, Sam, who had passed the bar essentially the month before. He took on our case in a heartbeat, for practically no pay, and he fought tooth and nail for us. I owe him so much, it was… such a grueling business. A lawyer with a lot more experience from my dad’s church was representing Luc, and my dad was paying him. Again, I don’t know why. Perhaps he thought being a father would actually teach Luc some responsibility. Perhaps he wanted to get back at me for ‘rebelling’.” He drew air quotes with his fingers. “In any case, we got shared custody. Jack lived with me full time and Luc was supposed to see him during the weekends. He didn’t always care to keep up with that.”

“No surprise there,” Meg said. “And then he went to jail?”

“Yes, but he lost visitation rights even before that because he was caught drunk driving with Jack in the back seat.”

“Holy shit.”

“Exactly.” Castiel rubbed his eyes, like just the memory of all of that gave him headaches. “When Jack was nine, one day he… he asked me if he could call me ‘Dad’. I couldn’t answer right away, because I was too busy crying. I said yes, of course. And he hasn’t seen or been in contact with Luc ever since. Neither have I, for that matter. He is not part of our lives anymore and hasn’t been in years.”

“Yeah, I would imagine!” Meg said. She didn’t know whether to be horrified by how low Luc had sunk or proud for Castiel for helping that little kid. “Why didn’t you just tell me all of this?”

“I figured Luc and Kelly’s relationship was a bit of a sore subject for you.”

Meg closed her mouth. Yeah, she really had no one to blame but herself for that one. Castiel gave her that soft smile and stood up again to finish getting dressed.

“I understand, Meg. Jack is a good boy and nothing at all like Luc, but I can see why you wouldn’t want to meet him.”

“Well, thanks for assuming I would hate the kid on sight,” Meg said. She really didn’t intend for her tone to be so bitter, but that was how it came out.

“I didn’t mean to say that,” Castiel replied. He pulled his tie up as he turned to look at her. “All I meant is that I understand that he would be a reminder of a part of a past that would rather not revisit. I’ve had time to fall in love with him, to fall in love with being his father and to build beautiful memories with him. You haven’t had the same privilege.”

Something clicked inside of Meg’s mind as she heard those words.

“This is why you were okay with just being friends with benefits. You don’t think I would want to meet him.”

“Do you?” Castiel asked. He finished putting on his jacket. “Because that would mean this relationship is morphing into something completely different from our original agreement. I don’t introduce anyone to Jack unless I feel I’m serious about them and even then I have, regrettably, taken some people home that have let the both of us down.”

“Do you think I would let you down?”

“That’s not what I said, Meg, and I don’t understand why you’re insisting on picking up a fight over this.”

Meg wanted to protest that was not what she was trying to do, but then again… maybe she was? She had no idea. Her head was a hot mess and nothing he said was helping. He forced herself to take a deep breath.

“I don’t know, Cas. It’s just… I need to process all of this,” she ended up saying. “I didn’t think… I mean, I knew we had changed, but I just didn’t realize how much. You’re _a dad_ , for fuck’s sake.”

“Yes. And you’re a blonde.”

It took her a second to understand that he was making a joke to alleviate a conversation that had suddenly turned way too fucking serious. She didn’t think her laughter came out all that sincere, but he smiled at her and came closer to give her a kiss.

“I am more than happy to continue with our current arrangement,” he told her. “If this is as much as I get to have you in my life, I’m comfortable with that. But you need to understand, I have my reasons for always leaving like this.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Meg said. “I just… I wish you had told me sooner.”

“I’m glad I finally did,” Castiel said. He smiled at her one more time, wished her goodnight and headed for the exit.

Meg watched him go in silence. As soon as the door closed behind him, she put a hand on her forehead. Holy shit, she needed to call Pamela. She couldn’t decide if this was better or worse than a fucking wife.


	5. Chapter 5

“So… he’s a DILF.”

“Really? That’s what you got from all of this?”

Pamela ignored her annoyance entirely.

“I mean, this is a good thing, right?” she continued saying. “Now you know where the both of you stand and you can stop worrying about him having other compromises.”

“Except to his son.”

“Whom you will never meet.”

Meg tapped her pen over her desk, not sure what to answer to that. Her silence must have given away exactly what she was thinking.

“Meg… you don’t want to meet this kid, do you? He’s… I mean, he’s the son of your…”

“My asshole ex and the poor idiot girl he cheated on me with, yes,” Meg cut her off. “But I was also an idiot girl who fell for his charms. I can hardly blame the kid for who provided his genetic material. Also… I mean, how bad can he be? Cas raised him his entire life.”

“Let’s not go into nurture versus nature debates. It’ll give me a headache,” Pamela complained. “Let’s better explore the reason why you want to meet this kid in the first place.”

That was a lot harder to answer, but Meg tried anyway.

“Because… he’s part of who Cas is now. And I did try to keep him at arm’s length, but he’s just…”

“Your soulmate and perfect for you and you’re madly in love with him?”

Meg huffed. She would not have chosen any of those descriptors.

“He’s someone I wouldn’t mind having in my life on a more serious and regular basis,” she said, instead.

“Sure, if you want to put it like that,” Pamela said. She sounded extremely disappointed that Meg was not screaming her love for Castiel from the rooftops. “Then I guess it makes sense. If you want him in your life permanently, then you also need to get along with the kid. They’re a two for one package deal.”

“Yeah.” Meg rubbed her temples. “I hate all of this. Why am I talking about this with you? Why did I call you in the first place?”

“I don’t remember,” Pamela said, trying to sound innocent.

Meg had her answer right there.

“How’s the book coming along?”

“Geez, you would think now that you’re the Big Bosswoman, you wouldn’t have time to harass me about my manuscript!”

“I have to harass you about it more precisely because I am the Big Bosswoman,” Meg pointed out, almost laughing at the obvious reflection. “Get to writing, you have a deadline to meet.”

“Come on, deadlines are more like… a general estimation, right?”

“And get off Twitter. I can see you fighting with President Jefferson’s supporters.”

“Someone needs to put them in their place!”

“Pamela…”

“Fine!” she agreed in the end, with the same tone a small child would agree to make their bed and eat their vegetables. “But as a reward, you got to tell me all about your next talk with Castiel. I might or might be using you for inspiration.”

“I knew it!” Meg shouted, but Pamela had already hung up on her.

She thought about calling her again, but in the end, she decided it was useless. Pamela would do what Pamela did and there was not a lot Meg could really do about it. She continued to tap her pen for another moment before she picked up her phone again and called a different number.

“Meg?” Castiel answered.

He sounded a little surprised to hear from her and she couldn’t blame her. After he’d come clean about Jack, Meg had barely answered his texts for a couple of days, because she simply didn’t know what to tell him. In the end, she’d told him she couldn’t do “casual chat” right now and he’d backed off and told her to call him when she was ready.

She had severed flashbacks to that night in her car where she’d talked to him for the last time in seventeen years, but there were huge differences now. For starters, she wasn’t a scared and pissed off nineteen-years-old with something to prove. And second, she wasn’t unaware anymore of what she meant to Castiel. And of what he meant to her.

“Hey. I was just… calling about the book,” she said, wincing at herself. What the hell was wrong with her? She had never been afraid to face a difficult conversation head-on. “How’s the manuscript going?”

“It’s coming along great, actually. I might have it ready way before the deadline.”

That shocked her so much she almost forgot about the other reason she was calling.

“Really?”

“Why is that surprising?”

“I don’t know, I guess you’re the first writer I’ve met who doesn’t think of deadline as general estimations,” she explained. “You’re a rare unicorn, Castiel Milton.”

“Why, thank you,” he said. She could almost hear the smile in his voice. “But you didn’t really call about the book, did you?”

Meg leaned back on her chair and stared at the ceiling. Her heart was beating hard in her chest as she tried to figure out her words. She probably should have done before calling Castiel, but if she had done that, she might have chickened out.

“I have something to tell you,” she said. “About us.”

“I’m listening.”

“I don’t think… the way we’re doing things right now is working out for me,” she said in the end.

“Oh,” he replied. “I… that’s okay, of course.”

It didn’t really help that he sounded as calm as always. Like he was going to calmly accept whatever she had to tell him. She wasn’t used to that. He was right, sometimes she picked fights because anger and screaming was so much easier to deal with and understand. She hated this might have been something she’d picked up from Luc.

“You’re an amazing guy, Cas.”

“Meg, you don’t have to…”

“And I was thinking, maybe…” She took a deep breath. She had done a lot of more difficult things, dammit, why was this so hard? “… maybe we could do this… full-time.”

Being the Big Bosswoman was absolutely worthless if she was proposing to have a relationship in those terms.

“Full-time?” Castiel repeated, confused.

“Like, an actual relationship,” Meg explained. Why did her heart feel like it was about to jump out of her chest. “Like, I’m your actual girlfriend and I get to be part of your life. And Jack’s. And… I don’t know, we start building from there.”

Did she sound clingy and desperate? Because that had sounded super clingy and desperate in her ears.

And the silence that followed her declaration just made her want to stab herself with the pen.

“Cas?” she asked, after several seconds. “What do you say?”

She was not expecting him to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” she asked. Her irritation must have patent, because Cas immediately suffocated his chuckles.

“Nothing. I’m sorry,” he said, quickly. “I’m sorry, I thought… I thought you were breaking up with me!”

The idea was so ridiculous that she was almost tempted to laugh as well.

“Why would you think that?”

“It’s just that you’ve been so distant these last few days,” he replied. “And I thought me being Jack’s dad was too awkward for you and you wouldn’t even want to… oh, God. I’m sorry. Yes. Yes, I am very on board with that.”

“You are?” Meg didn’t realize she had been holding so much tension on her neck and shoulders until she sighed out in relief. “That’s good. That’s great.”

“It is great. I’m… I’m very happy.”

He sounded it, too. Meg barked out a laugh, because she felt like she’d explode if she didn’t.

“Okay, I’m glad we’re on the same page,” she said. God, she still sounded like she was talking about a fucking corporate deal. “And listen, we don’t have to rush into anything, okay? I get that you’re very careful with the people you introduce to Jack and I don’t want to pressure you into…”

“You could come have dinner with us next week,” Castiel interrupted her. “I could introduce you then.”

Meg’s thoughts were already summarily scrambled even before he said that and now she was simple rendered speechless.

“Are you sure?” she asked when her tongue deigned to move again.

“Meg, I’ve been sure since the moment you tapped my shoulder at that convention,” Castiel said. “Call me ridiculous, but it feels like I’ve never stopped being in love with you, and getting to know you again only made me fall deeper.”

It wasn’t a sappy romantic declaration. It didn’t have grand words or was accompanied by some expensive, showy gift. He was simply stating a fact, the fact that he was in love with her, with the same clarity and certainty as if he was commenting on the sun rising every morning.

And maybe that was what made Meg’s heart melt at it. She had never expected this earnestness, this lack of pretension or beating around the bush. There was something incredibly reassuring about a man who didn’t play games and she was not about to let it go.

“I should have not said that so soon, should I?” Castiel asked when she remained silent.

“It’s fine, Cas.”

“If it made you uncomfortable, I will not be bringing up again for the time being.”

“Clarence,” Meg said, putting as much weight as she could behind that name. “It’s okay. Promise.” She leaned back on her chair with a smile on her lips. “So… next week at your place? What should I bring?”

* * *

It was all fun and games until she was actually standing in front of Castiel’s door, holding a bucket of ice cream in its bag. She had been so sure that this was what she wanted that she hadn’t really stopped to consider what would happen if things went wrong.

She hadn’t really spent any time around teenagers since she was one herself and she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to interact with one now. What if Jack didn’t like her? She could be a bitch sometimes without even realizing, so she could very well say something that would make him wary around her and then it would be over. Meg couldn’t ask Castiel to prioritize her over his own son. It wasn’t fair.

Castiel had assured her she had nothing to worry about.

“I’ve told him about you and he is excited to meet you,” he’d told her on the phone the day before. “I’m sure you two are going to get along great.”

Meg sure as hell hoped so, because she would hate if that now that she’d finally grown the balls to ask what she really wanted from him, there was another reason they couldn’t be together.

Not that she had dreamed that far ahead in the future. There would be no future if this dinner went wrong. And it would definitely go wrong if she stayed on the driveway and let the ice cream go to waste.

She took a deep breath, saved the last steps that separated her from the entrance and knocked. The door opened almost before she had time to put her hand down and there was Castiel, looking very casual and handsome in his jeans and a simple white shirt, so very different from the suits that he normally used for their “business meetings”. Not that Meg minded that. She had also chosen jeans and a purple blouse, ditching what Pamela called her Big Bosswoman attire to try and look more… approachable?

She was really overthinking this. She smiled and took a step forwards.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello…” Castiel started saying before she stood on her tips and gave him a kiss.

For no reason. Just because she hadn’t seen him in a week and she missed him. Just because she could, because he was her boyfriend now. Her boyfriend. It was so weird to think about.

He blinked at her, mesmerized, when she stepped back and handed him the ice cream.

“Brought dessert.”

“Oh, good. I’ll just… put this in the fridge. Come on in, make yourself at home.”

Meg walked into the house with her hands inside of her pockets. It looked… pretty much like a suburban home. Her apartment had modern furniture to go with its modern, minimalistic look, but there was something to be said about a crowded living room where there was a coffee table with a succulent in the middle, a TV, a couch and wall full of bookshelves that occupied a pretty prominent place there.

She barely had time to take in any of that, though, because her eyes immediately darted to the boy sitting on the couch, a little crouched and with his hands balled up on fists over his knees. They stared at each other for a few seconds, like neither of them knew how to react.

Meg’s first thought was that he looked nothing like Lucifer. He had a round face, like his baby fat hadn’t finished going away yet, a tuft of light brown hair styled to fall on only one side of his forehead and kind blue eyes that looked a lot like Castiel’s.

“Hi,” he said, standing up and walking up to her with a hand extended. “I’m Jack.”

He was almost as tall as her, and in the next year or so, he could easily surpass her. All the Milton boys had always been tall, she reminded herself.

“Meg,” she said, accepting the shake. “It’s nice to meet you. Cas told me a lot about you.”

“Oh, good. He only just mentioned you last week,” he said and immediately closed his eyes, like he’d made a mistake. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that you’re not…”

“No, I get it. Last week was when we decided I should get to meet you,” Meg clarified.

“Yeah… I kind of suspected you existed before that, to be honest,” Jack said. “He doesn’t really need to go to the city all that much.”

Smart kid. Meg decided she liked him.

Castiel ran back into the room, like he’d heard someone calling for help or something.

“So… are we ready for dinner?”

“I’m starving,” Meg said.

“Me too,” Jack agreed.

Dinner was homemade pasta with red sauce and meatballs for her and Castiel, and white sauce for Jack.

“He’s been vegetarian since he was ten,” Castiel clarified. “He cried when he found out where meat came from.”

“I just think cows are cute and I don’t want to eat them,” Jack said, shrugging. “I might go fully vegan when the doctors say it’s okay.”

Meg remembered Castiel joking about having a vegan menu at their “wedding”, but decided not to bring up now. She didn’t want Jack to think she was rushing things with Castiel.

“You can never go fully vegan,” Castiel shot back. “You like ice cream too much.”

“I did bring a dairy free option for dessert,” Meg said. She had done so in case Jack was lactose intolerant, because her mind had been racing trying to cover all her basis. “They’re getting better every year that passes.”

Jack smiled at her. Little dimples formed in his cheeks and she noticed a small gap between his front teeth.

“They are, aren’t they?” Jack said. “So, my dad mentioned you were an editor. Did you meet at a book event…?”

“We knew each other from before,” Meg clarified. “I mean, from way back, before you were born…”

She went quiet immediately when she noticed Castiel’s face. Crap, he hadn’t told Jack?

It was too late to change what she was saying at that point.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Meg took a deep breath. Cat was out of the bag at that point, might as well tell the kid the truth. “I used to date… Luc.”

She had been about to call him “your dad”, but she remembered that Jack had chosen Cas to be his father. His face denoted shock.

“Oh,” he said. “Umh… before or after he was with my mom?”

“Jack, I don’t think…” Castiel started protesting.

“There might have some overlap between the two of us,” Meg said, trying to sound light about it.

“I see,” Jack muttered. It was impossible to tell what he thought about this situation by his face. “So, did you know her?”

Castiel emptied his glass of wine in one gulp and Meg was already regretting bringing it all up, but then again, it was better to clear the air from the start, right?

“Not really, no,” she said. “We did talk one time.”

“You did?” Castiel asked, frowning. “You never told me about that.”

“She called me a few months after I broke up with Luc, from his phone,” Meg explained. “I don’t know why I picked up, but I did. She apologized to me, said Luc had lied to her that he didn’t have a girlfriend.”

“And what did you say?” Jack asked.

“Not much. I was angry, so I ended the call and blocked the number.”

Jack nodded.

“Yeah… that might have been the wisest thing to do when it comes to anything related to him,” he said. There was no poison or anger in his voice, just the matter-of-factness from someone who had tried to detach themselves from a painful situation.

Meg recognized it, because she did it too. She smiled and raised her glass.

“I’ll toast to that.”

Jack smiled back and toasted with his glass of water. Castiel sighed in relief.

The rest of the dinner was, thankfully, a lot less awkward. They talked about Meg’s business, about Cas’ book, about Jack’s notes and where he was planning on going to college.

“I think I want to study something relating to the environment,” Jack said. “But also, I wouldn’t mind being a doctor. I just want to help people. Put some good into the world, you know?”

That definitely sounded like something Castiel would’ve said, back when he was young and he still didn’t dare to come out of his dad’s thumb. Idealistic, bright-eyed and above all, kind. It took Meg a second to realize why she was getting choked up at it.

He was what Castiel would’ve been if his father had supported him instead of trying to trying to squash him.

They ate most of the ice cream, including the dairy free one, and afterwards, Jack asked Castiel if he could go to his friend’s house for a little while.

“Ben said he had a new game he wanted to show me.”

“And who exactly do you think is going to wash the dishes after I cooked all afternoon?” Castiel asked. He sounded irritated, but Meg could tell he was exaggerating it somehow.

“I’ll do it when I come back,” Jack replied. “Please? You know Mia said you’re supposed to let me be independent and make my own mistakes.”

“Who’s Mia?” Meg asked, amused by Castiel’s clear discontent.

“Our family therapist.”

“Well, if she says so, then they’re doctor’s orders and you can’t go against those,” she said and laughed when he glared at her. “It’s late anyway. I should be heading back home.”

“You don’t have to go,” Jack said. “You can stay if you want to.”

“Jack, I don’t think our guest’s room is in condition…”

“Dad, please. I’m sixteen. I’ve had sex ed.”

“That is very inappropriate, young man!” Castiel shouted at him. “Jack!”

Jack was already on the way to the door, snickering. He stopped just long enough to put on a jacket and wave at Meg.

“It was nice to meet you!”

“Right back at you, kid.”

“Be back before nine!” Castiel ordered as the door closed behind him. He sighed and turned towards Meg. “I am very sorry about him.”

“It’s fine,” Meg told him, smiling. “You were right. He is a great kid.”

She helped him pick up the table, but they left all the dishes on the table because “Jack can’t skirt his responsibilities, Mia said that too”. Castiel asked her if she wanted some coffee and Meg accepted. She really wanted to have some time alone with her boyfriend, and sitting on his couch with no shoes, drinking a cup with him, was a great way to do that.

“Can I ask you something?” he said. “Did you really had that chat with Kelly?”

“Believe it or not,” Meg told him. She sipped her coffee, pensively. “I’d forgotten all about it until we talked about her the other night. There were a lot of things I had been trying to forget.”

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, wincing.

“Don’t be.” Meg placed her cup on the coffee table in front of them, right next to the succulent. It gave her time to think about what she wanted to say next: “I thought everything that came out from that past was terrible and so I was trying to look back on it as little as possible. But I realized that if I do that, then I’m going to miss out on the good things that it gave me. A shiny spine. My independence.” She moved closer to him on the couch and put a hand on his cheek. “You. ‘Cause I love you too. You know that, right?”

The way Castiel’s eyes shone and how his features softened at her words had to be one of the most beautiful things Meg had ever seen.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “I was scared I jumped the gun and you didn’t quite feel the same way…”

“We should really stop overthinking these things.”

“That sounds like the best course of action, yes.” He placed his cup of coffee next to her and lassoed his arms around Meg’s waist. “Do you want to stay a little longer?”

“Yeah,” she answered, placing her head on his shoulder and letting her lips graze at his skin. “I think I can stay here a while.”


End file.
